Adventures in Washington DC
by Red Witch
Summary: Part 3 of the Trilogy is completed! What happens to Xavier and Hank? They run into Hawk and some other odd characters! Xavier and Kelly torture abound!
1. Checking In!

**Don't own any GI Joe or X-Men Evolution characters. There I said it. Well here it is, part 3 of the 'Weekend of Adventures in Hell' trilogy. This time it's Xavier's turn to get tortured! And of course you know Hank, and Kelly will be involved in this as well! Not to mention some other characters…**

**Adventures in Washington D.C**

Chapter 1: Checking In! 

"What do you mean our rooms aren't available?" Xavier asked. 

"I'm sorry sir but according to our schedule your reservations were cancelled," The hotel clerk said with a trace of aloofness in his voice. 

"Really?" Xavier didn't have to use his telepathy to figure out how that happened. Even with his shields in place the man radiated hate. 

"Are you sure that they weren't…misplaced?" Hank gave a friendly growl and showed his canines in a broad smile. 

To his credit, the hotel clerk didn't flinch. "Perhaps there was a glitch in the computer," He said simply. "Let me see what I can do." 

"You do that," Hank smiled. "While we have a talk with the manager." 

"Go ahead," General Hawk walked up. "You won't get very far. He's still miffed after our last visit." 

"Hawk?" Xavier looked at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to attend a conference on military security," Hawk told him. "Officially. Unofficially I'm playing babysitter."

"Babysitter?" Hank asked.

"Oh I love hotels!" General Whithalf strutted in. "I love the glamour and the elegance and especially those free little bottles of scotch they leave in your room!"

"Oh boy," Xavier winced. 

"What?" Hank looked at him. 

"Hello there!" General Whithalf walked up to them. "Hawk my good man! Why don't you introduce me to your friends?" 

"General Whithalf this is Charles Xavier and Hank McCoy of the Xavier Institute," Hawk introduced them.

"Hello there!" General Whithalf grinned. "I say that's a rather odd blue fur coat you have there old chap. Isn't it hot wearing it under that suit?" 

"Not really," Hank grinned.

"He's a mutant sir," Hawk explained. 

"Oh so you are," Whithalf blinked. "Damn! My wife is right. I do need glasses." 

"Excuse me is my room ready?" Senator Kelly walked up with his entourage. 

"Of course sir," The hotel clerk gave him a key. "Number 226."

"Oh yeah his room is ready," Hank drolled. "What are you doing here? I thought you had a place of your own in town?" 

"My apartment is being fumigated okay?" Senator Kelly snapped. "Not that it's any of your business. Then again with that mind reader no one's business is safe!" 

"Senator," Xavier spoke carefully. "I do not use my powers so recklessly."

"Yeah right!" Kelly snapped. "And what's he doing here? I thought they didn't let animals in this building?" 

"Well they let you in," Hank said. 

"Just keep away from me!" Kelly snarled at Hank and stormed off with his people. 

"Well I know who I'm not going to vote for in the coming elections," Hank sniffed.

"Rather rude fellow isn't he?" Whithalf huffed. "Who was he again?"

"Senator Kelly sir," Hawk said.

"Oh well that explains it," Whithalf nodded. "All right Clerk, where's our rooms?"

"Well I have rooms for you and General Hawk," The hotel clerk said. "But there's nothing I can do for these other…individuals."

"Now look here…" Hank began.

"Hold it Hank," Hawk said. "I think we have to use a more…universal argument."

"Quite right," General Whithalf dug into his pocket. "Let me get this." 

"General I can't let you…" Xavier started to protest.

"Oh it's no trouble at all," Whithalf told him. Then he pulled out a pistol and stuck it in the clerk's face. "All right you stinking piece of puke! Give 'em a room or you'll find your brains splattered all over the ceiling!"

"SIR NO!" Hawk grabbed the gun away from Whithalf. "I meant the other universal argument."

"Oh of course a bribe!" Whithalf lightly slapped the side of his head. "How stupid of me! Sorry about that." 

"Uh maybe I can find something," The Hotel Clerk gulped. "Oh yes I do have one extra room. Number 227! But that's all we have for now!" 

"Looks like we're going to have to share a room," Hank shrugged. 

"Wonderful," Xavier sighed. "We'll take it." 

"And you'd better give them a fruit basket," Whithalf told the clerk. "Otherwise," He took his gun back and fired up towards the ceiling. The shot shattered a chandelier and it crashed to the floor. 

Now the clerk was looking a little green. "Yes sir…" 

"Oh god not again," Hawk rolled his eyes. He whispered to the others. "You'd be amazed at how many times he's done this. Sir why don't' we go up to the room and have some of your medication shall we?" 

"Oh all right but I feel fine," Whithalf waved as he received the keys. "Hawk you have room 229 and I have room 228! Fancy that! We're neighbors!"

"Oh goody," Hank made a forced smile.

"Well see you around!" Whithalf waved as Hawk led him away. "I want to let you know Professor how much I admire your work. I can't speak for any others in the Pentagon, but I am against this beastly Mutant Registration Act one hundred percent! See you later on the battlefield. Oh my this floor is messy. Someone should really clean up all that glass." 

"He's on our side huh?" Hank asked. "We're in trouble aren't we?"

"I'm afraid we are," Xavier groaned. 

**Okay people you know the drill! Hand in those suggestions and be prepared for madness and torture! He he…**


	2. Gonna Party All Night

**Gonna Party All Night**

It was around 8 p.m. when they finally got to their room after getting a quick bite to eat. "Well it's a bit cozy but I suppose it will have to do," Hank looked around. 

"It's not so bad," Xavier sighed. "But we'll have to share the bed."

They looked at each other. "I wonder how comfortable that bathtub is?" Hank scratched his head. He peeked in. "Nope. Too small."

"And the chairs don't look comfortable enough," Xavier sighed. "Look I won't tell anyone if you won't tell anyone."

"Deal," Hank rolled his eyes. "Just don't hog the covers will ya?" 

Meanwhile outside there was some very suspicious window washers on the ledge. "Hey Zartan," Monkeywrench gulped. "Ain't we supposed to be on some kind of scaffold or something?" 

"Quiet you dolts!" Zartan snapped. "We're supposed to be spying on General Hawk! You idiots got the wrong room!" 

"Well excuse me," Buzzer snapped. "Next time why don't you get one of your brilliant siblings or your kid to do the job?"

"Because they have other plans, such as getting ready for the heist tomorrow along with the other Dreadnoks," Zartan spoke as if speaking to a child. "Now follow me and be quiet!" Zartan started to climb along the window. 

"It's getting kind of chilly," Hank said. "I think I'll close the window." And he did, right on Zartan's fingers. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" Zartan shouted on his way down. 

"Hey that ain't exactly quiet ya know?" Monkeywrench snapped. He then winced. "Oooh! That's gotta hurt!" 

"Good thing there was a pool down there," Buzzer said. 

"Not so good for that geek in the glasses walking by," Monkeywrench snickered. "Hey he looks familiar."

"Well he should," Buzzer said. "That's Senator Kelly."

"Oh yeah so it is," Monkeywrench snickered. "I always said he was all wet."

"How do we get down?" Buzzer looked around. "I ain't doin' any more climbing."

"Go the same way Zartan did," Monkeywrench shrugged. "Hey Kelly's still standing there! Bet I get him wetter than you!"

"You're on!" Buzzer said. They both jumped. 

Hank perked up his ears. "Boy there's a lot of noise out there tonight. You would think that an exclusive hotel like this would be quieter." 

"It's probably just some kids playing around," Xavier waved. "Now…" Suddenly a loud raucous blast of music shook the room. "Now what's going on?" 

"It's coming from next door!" Hank said. "Isn't that General Whithalf's room?" 

They went out to the hallway and saw General Hawk ready to kick down the door. "What's going on?" Xavier asked.

"I'm afraid the General is having another one of his parties," Hawk sighed. "He has this habit of inviting everyone he meets in a hotel and having a party." He opened the door. Sure enough there was a large crowd of people inside from all walks of life. Men in tuxedoes were dancing with maids. A punk rocker was talking to a lady in pearls. Some guy in the corner was wearing a flowered shirt and strumming a ukulele along with a kid with an electric guitar. 

"Oh great I forgot to take all the alcohol out of the room," Hawk groaned. 

"Hello boys join the party!" General Whithalf was talking with a few attractive ladies. "This is Beverly and Sylvia. They're stewardesses. This is General Hawk and Charles Xavier and Hank McCoy." 

"Oh my god a real mutant!" Beverly giggled. "Hi! I'm Beverly. Never met a real mutant before."

"Well I never met a real stewardess before," Hank kissed her hand. She giggled happily.

"Sir don't you think your wife might object to this?" Hawk sighed. 

"Oh like she doesn't do the same thing when I'm out of town?" Whithalf waved. "It's not what you think dirty minds! She throws parties all the time. We don't run around and sleep with other people we just socialize." 

"One of your guests is socializing in the bathtub," Hawk blinked.

"Oh he took some pills and now he thinks he's King Neptune of Atlantis," Whithalf waved. "It's fine with us. Just give him a few martinis and some shrimp cocktails and he's all set. Would you like to join the party?" 

"Why not?" Hawk shrugged. "Obviously this isn't gonna just stop until at least midnight." 

"Works for me," Hank shrugged. 

"Actually I think I'll call it an early night," Xavier sighed. "I'll see you later Hank." 

"Oh well, to each his own. Margaritas for everybody!" Whithalf shouted. The crowd cheered. 

That was when someone started pounding at the door. "SHUT UP IN THERE!" 

"You shut up out there!" Whithalf chuckled. He looked out the spy hole. "Oh it's that party pooper Kelly. I'm not letting you in!" 

"I'M NOT HERE TO CRASH THE PARTY YOU DRUNK! GIVE ME BACK MY SECRETARY!" Kelly shouted. "OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" 

"She's a bit indisposed," Whithalf opened the door and grinned. "She is currently making out with King Neptune." 

"You!" Kelly growled when he saw Hank and Xavier. "You're making this racket aren't you? I'm going to call security!" 

"Don't bother," Hank pointed. 

Several beefy security men walked up carrying kegs of beer and ice. "Who wants some ice?" One shouted. 

"Now we can have a party!" Whithalf laughed. 

"I am going to get some peanuts and get back in my room!" Kelly growled as he went to the vending machine down the hall. "And turn that racket down!" 

"Well he's a real life of the party isn't he?" Hank sniffed.

"Still I should have told him that machine doesn't work," Whithalf told them. "Wouldn't give me anything. I even put a grenade in there to blow it up. Unfortunately it turned out to be a dud. Nothing happened."

KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Well I'll be damned," General Whithalf looked out in the hallway. "It wasn't a dud after all." 

"Hey cool!" One girl said. "It's a tidal wave of potato chips and candy bars." 

Kelly staggered out covered in chocolate and other snack items. "I hate mutants…" He growled.

"Kelly we didn't…" Xavier tried to explain.

"Don't say you didn't have anything to do with it!" Kelly shouted. "You're mutants! Whenever you're around explosions always happen! I'm going to get my lawyer!" Kelly stormed away.

"What a grouch," Whithalf sniffed. "I'm going to get another margarita." 

"I'll get one too," Hawk sighed. 

"I am not getting any sleep tonight aren't I?" He groaned. 

"I don't think anyone in this hotel is going to get any sleep tonight," Hank told him. 

**Next: More madness as Xavier meets an unlikely supporter for mutant rights! And of course more Kelly torture. Send in those suggestions! **


	3. The Odd Couple

**Now I was thinking, what would be the one group lobby in Washington D.C. that would be against mutant registration? And then it hit me…**

Xavier: I wish it hadn't. Oh god where do you get these ideas? Be afraid people. Be very afraid. 

**The Odd Couple**

At breakfast the next morning Xavier and Hank sat at the restaurant in the hotel. "Oh…" Hank groaned as he drank his second cup of coffee. There were bags under his eyes. "What a night. I never should have drunk that purple margarita. At least I think it was a margarita…" 

"You just had to stay at that party until one in the morning didn't you!" Xavier snapped as he poured his third cup of coffee. "Those noises were bad enough all night but then you had to come in singing."

"Don't start with me Charles I am not in the mood," Hank snipped. 

"And to top it off your snoring kept me up the rest of the night," Xavier grumbled.

"I do not snore."

"Yes you do." 

"I do not!"

"Do to!"

"Do you always have to be so argumentative in the morning? Every time we go away you always get cranky." 

"Well maybe if some people were more considerate of others…" 

"Me? You're the one who was hogging the covers all night!" 

"What do you need so many blankets for anyway? You're covered in fur! Which by the way you left huge clumps of in the shower."

"It's summer time. I shed. Deal with it." 

"Well if it isn't Charles Xavier," Senator Kelly walked up to them. "Again."

"Oh goody it's our own personal ray of sunshine," Hank grumbled. 

"I just thought I'd let you personally know that I will also be a guest on the Allbright Hour tonight," Kelly grinned. 

"What does that have to do with us?" Hank asked.

"Didn't he tell you?" Kelly pointed at Xavier. "You are going to debate the topic of the Mutant Registration Act tonight." 

"When were you going to tell me this?" Hank looked at Xavier. 

"Last night but I got distracted as you recall," Xavier told him.

"So you not only keep secrets from normal people, you keep secrets from your own staff," Kelly huffed. "I can hardly wait until tonight to put you in your place McCoy. You're going to pay for making a fool out of me!"

"I don't have to make a fool out of you," Hank said. "You do that so well all by yourself."

Kelly sneered and turned on his heel. Unfortunately he bumped right into a waiter with a full tray. He fell on the floor covered in food. "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" Kelly shouted.

"Oh yeah blame us for your clumsiness," Hank snickered. 

Kelly managed to get to his feet and skulk away. "Great now we're being blamed on everything that happens to Kelly!" Hank sighed. "Although that was priceless. Now back to the topic of tonight's debate…" 

"You said you wanted to do more public speaking," Xavier sighed.

"So I did," Hank said. "Well I can't shy away even if I wanted to, look what's in the paper." 

"What's this?" Xavier looked. "An open letter calling for the Mutant Registration Act?" 

"Look at this list," Hank muttered. "It makes you sick."

"I agree," Xavier sighed. "Educators, scientists, as well as several other organizations. The Friends of Humanity, the editor of the Wall Street Weekly, the Girl Scouts…" 

"The Girl Scouts?" Hank asked. "What the hell did we ever do to them? What, they're blaming us for the recent decrease in cookie sales or something?" 

"Wouldn't surprise me," A tall man with sandy hair and a suit walked up to them. "Some people are so quick to jump on the bandwagon. Howdy, I'm Combine. Paul Combine." 

"Nice to see that someone wants to talk to us," Hank shook his hand. "What do you do here, Mr. Combine?"

"I'm a lobbyist in Washington. Mind if I sit down?" 

"Be our guest," Xavier motioned. "I say it's encouraging to see some people aren't afraid of us." 

"Sir not everyone here in Washington is for this bill," Mr. Combine told him. "There are a lot of people who see registration of mutants as nothing more than a flagrant violation of civil rights! Okay, so there are a few mutants who are crazy and want to destroy everything. There are always going to be people like that! Hell normal people have been doing it for centuries. Might as well register the entire population of America. Way I see it, these powers mutants have were given for a reason. Lotta folks are just jealous cause they don't have powers themselves. But a person has the right to protect him or herself from harm. Hell if our founding fathers were mutants, it would have been written in the Constitution!" 

"Well that's a very…interesting way of putting it," Xavier said. 

"Dang government wants to control everything! But it can't!" Mr. Combine snorted. "Well don't you worry Mr. Xavier, you got friends too in Washington D.C.! Yes sir, the NRA is behind you one hundred percent!"

"The… NRA?" Xavier looked at him. 

"Yeah! When you think about it, we got the same problem you do!" Mr. Combine said. "Group of nuts or stupid kids ruining it for the rest of us law abiding Americans! Most of us are peaceful and only wanna use guns for personal protection or hunting. But all it takes is one nut to blow up a police cruiser and well…You think you have image problems?"

"Oh…my," Hank blinked. 

"Don't worry about that bill passing! Hell we've stopped half the bills in this town from getting through!" Mr. Combine laughed. "It's the least we can do. Since you guys came out of the closet gun sales are up by 45 percent and there hasn't been hardly any push for any new gun registration bills. They're too worried about mutants." 

"Well that is something to think about," Xavier felt rather ill. 

"Granted there are quite a few chapters that want to use their rights to blow you guys away," Mr. Combine said. "But they just don't see the big picture! Don't worry, sooner or later we'll straighten 'em out. We already kicked a few of 'em out. Of course they just formed their own splinter group." 

"Splinter group?" Xavier blinked. 

"Yeah call themselves the Defenders of Human Freedom or something like that," Mr. Combine waved. "They wanna blow every mutant up they see with guns that aren't registered."

"Oh my," Hank gulped. 

"Well like I said don't worry," Mr. Combine got up. "Together we'll stop this law from happening! See ya later!" He left the table.

"Well that was…" Xavier tried to find the right words. "Informative." 

"So our only supporters so far in Washington D.C. are a crazy drunk general and the National Rifle Association," Hank looked at Xavier. "Politics does make strange bedfellows! I don't know whether to feel relieved or terrified. No terrified. Definitely terrified." 

"I knew mutants would have problems…" Xavier groaned. "But even I couldn't predict this! This isn't exactly the image I was counting on." 

"Well look at the bright side," Hank said. "With the NRA with us, we have some clout. And…"

"And?"

"Maybe I can finally get that autographed picture of Charlton Heston," Hank shrugged. 

"Your bill sir," The waitress came up to them. "May I say that the two of you make a nice couple."

"Couple of what?" Xavier blinked. 

"Oh come on, you think we're…?" Hank's jaw dropped. "But…"

"I mean it's so obvious the way you two share a one bed room and argue with each other," The waitress smiled and left. Several people were already looking at them.

"And I had a hard enough time getting a date before," Hank moaned. 

"I can't stand it…" Xavier groaned. 

**Next: A museum outing goes terribly wrong! So what else is new?**

Xavier: You had to put in the NRA bit didn't you? We're gonna get letters.

Hank: I'm so outraged I'm writing one to myself.


	4. Mayhem in the Museum

**Mayhem in the Museum**

"The Smithsonian," Hank looked around. "I must confess I have long wanted to wander these halls. To gaze at ancient artifacts, to peruse through half forgotten lore, to see the wonders of natural history…Hey! That's Archie Bunker's chair!" 

"We're not here just to sightsee," Xavier said. "We've been invited to a special gathering."

"More PR huh?" Hank fidgeted with his tie. "Another potential investor?" 

"We need all the allies we can get," Xavier told him. "Ah here's our host." 

"Hello Professor Xavier," A tall man with dark hair walked up to him. "Sebastian Shaw of Shaw Enterprises."

"Pleased to meet you," Xavier said shaking his hand. 

"Mr. McCoy," Shaw shook his hand. "I'm especially pleased to meet you. I've read your latest paper on genetic mutations in Scientific Americana."

"Well then you're the only one I'm afraid," Hank shrugged. "It's not exactly well publicized material." 

"Well if you're comparing it to the National Enquirer no," Shaw smiled. "But it has many interesting theories."

"I'm glad you invited us to your affair," Xavier said. "Although I admit I am a bit surprised."

"Why? Because you are a mutant?" Shaw asked him. "I am a great believer in progress and innovation. We make advances in technology all the time with relatively little fuss, why should our physiological advances be treated any differently? People who are afraid that mutants are going to replace the human population are not looking at the bigger picture. They see it as an end, I see it as a beginning." 

"I can see that we are going to get along well Mr. Shaw," Hank smiled. "We have quite a lot in common." 

"You'd be surprised how much in common we have," Shaw grinned. 

"Yahoo!" General Whithalf laughed as he juggled some small antique vases. "This is such fun!" 

"That man is a lunatic," Xavier groaned at the gray haired general's antics. 

"Yes but you have to admit he's great at parties," Shaw grinned. "Which is why I made a point of inviting him and not Senator Kelly. Excuse me one of my associates needs to be calmed down a bit." He pointed to a portly red haired man drinking heavily and went on his way.

"Well it's an interesting crowd," Xavier looked around.

"A bit more interesting than you think. Look over there. Isn't that the Blind Master?" Hank pointed. "What's he doing here?"

"I don't know," Xavier blinked as he saw the Misfit teacher. "I wonder…"

Just then a commotion rang from down the hall. Two figures completely covered in blue rode through on a motorcycle. Behind them on motorcycles rode the Dreadnoks. "STOP THEM!" Zartan shouted. "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STEAL THAT TABLET! NOT THEM!" 

"Some people are so rude!" Torch snapped as he used his flame-thrower to set fire to some nearby drapes.

"I couldn't agree more!" Hank grabbed the nearby punch and threw it at him. "This is a private party!" 

The punch drenched all over Torch, however it seemed to make his flames rise even higher. "Oh great the punch was spiked wasn't it?" Shaw snapped as the flames grew higher. 

"Sorry!" General Whithalf ran by. 

Hank did several acrobatics and knocked a few Dreadnoks off the motorcycles. "FORGET THEM!" Shaw shouted as he pointed to the first two thieves. "THEY HAVE MUSEUM PROPERTY!" 

"Then I shall retrieve it for you," Hank hopped on one of the motorcycles from the downed Dreadnoks and rode after them. 

"I can stop them with a psychic…" Xavier began to use his powers, but then felt something cold on the back of his neck.

"Forgive me Xavier but I cannot allow you to do that just yet," The Blind Master said calmly. He had a small dagger hidden in his arm sleeve. "I do not want to resort to violence. And don't try using your powers on me. Let's just say I'm prepared for that possibility. If you give me your word not to interfere all shall be revealed later." 

Xavier felt startled. "It seems I have no choice."

"Very well," The Blind Master withdrew his dagger and took the handlebars of the wheelchair. "Let's go find someplace much quieter to talk shall we?"

Meanwhile Hank was chasing the motorists all over the museum. "Sorry!" He shouted as he wrecked another exhibit. He followed the thieves. He followed them as they crashed out the window. The motorcycle in front wove through traffic and Hank followed. 

"MY PARTY IS RUINED!" Shaw groaned as he went outside to look at the damage. "That is it! I am getting some better security!" 

Just then a pigeon pooped on Shaw's head. "Note to self," He grumbled. "Invest in some anti-pigeon technology while I am at it." 

For half an hour Hank chased the thieves. He even sideswiped a limo. "CRAZY MUTANT DRIVERS!" Senator Kelly shouted. "YOU SCRATCHED THE PAINT!" 

"Why aren't the police responding by now?" Hank muttered. "There they go!" He followed them into an empty parking garage. "Now I have…" He stopped the motorcycle when he saw who was waiting for them. "You?" 

There were several soldiers aiming their rifles at him. "It's all right," The first thief in blue waved. "I think we can trust him." He removed his mask.

"SPIRIT?" Hank gasped. He looked around and saw a black van. Out of it came General Hawk, the Blind Master and Professor Xavier. 

"Don't forget yours truly," The second thief revealed herself as Scarlet. 

"Now I am confused," Hank scratched his head. 

"All right what's going on here?" Xavier asked. "Hawk why did your men steal that tablet?" 

"Because I ordered them to," General Whithalf appeared. "We need to talk." 

**Next, what's going on? Why did GI Joe steal that tablet? Who will they meet to decipher it? And what has Xavier gotten himself into now? More raucous fun coming up! **


	5. Maybe We Were Better Off Not Knowing

**Maybe We Were Better Off Not Knowing**

"You stole this tablet?" Xavier blinked at General Whithalf. "But why? What's so special about it?" 

"Supposedly it describes some kind of ancient power," Hawk said. "But we don't know exactly what." 

"And Cobra wanted it for itself," Hank concluded. 

"Yeah we learned that Cobra was planning to steal the tablet this afternoon at the museum," General Whithalf told them. "They hired the Dreadnoks to attack and steal it during the exhibition." 

"So you decided to steal it first," Hank finished. "But why didn't you simply ask…"

"Uh we did," Hawk grimaced. "But you see the current director used to work in Boston. He was kind of in charge of the Historical Antiquities there. He's still miffed at GI Joe."

"Why?" Xavier asked.

"Because we 'borrowed' the U.S.S. Constitution for a mission," Hawk told him. "It's a long story." 

"You…stole the U.S.S. Constitution?" Xavier looked at him.

"Borrowed," Spirit told him. "We brought it right back after the battle." 

"Battle?" Hank asked. "What…?" 

"It's a long story," Hawk sighed. 

"So what does the tablet say?" Hank asked.

"No one knows," General Whithalf. "It's written in an obscure Greek dialect." 

"In other words it's unreadable," Xavier said. 

"Well actually there is one person alive who can read it," Hawk grimaced. "And I think we have time to catch him." 

"What is he going out of town?" Hank asked.

"No…he has a benefit this afternoon," Hawk sighed. 

************************************************************************

"Hawk darling I am so glad you dropped by!" A man wearing a very strange costume greeted them. It was gold and shimmering. The top half had gold snakes on his shoulders and had a snake shaped cowl surrounding his head. The second part of the outfit was a long skirt with a high slit. 

"Serpentor," Hawk tried hard to keep a straight face. "It's good to see you." 

"It wasn't always the case, right Hawk?" Serpentor laughed. "At least that was true of my predecessor." He then noticed Hank and Xavier. "Oh hello there! We've never met have we? I'm Serpentor II."

"I'm Charles Xavier and this is Hank McCoy," Xavier nodded. "Wait a minute…Serpentor? As in the Cobra Emperor?"

"Former Cobra Emperor," Serpentor told him. "Well actually the first me was that. Very anal-retentive. Had no sense of humor whatsoever. Come on in!" 

They went inside the dressing room. It was covered in lavish gold plated furniture and had royal purple trappings. "This is Stephan, my personal assistant," Serpentor waved at a swarthy young man with traces of Latin ancestry. 

"Pleasure to meet you," He spoke with a smooth Spanish accent. 

"Likewise," Xavier looked around the room. 

"You see the first me was created to run Cobra out of all the dead leaders of the past," Serpentor explained as he sat down on a glittering gold chair. "However he well, let's just say he needed to work on his people skills. Got bumped off. Dr. Mindbender decided to try a second time. However this time he recruited the Dreadnoks behind Zartan's back. They accidentally added a few other individuals. Famous actors and a director or two. Well their personalities and memories mingled with the original." 

"Like who?" Hank asked.

"Oh lots of people," Serpentor waved. "Liberache, Ed Wood, Marilyn Monroe, a chorus boy named Fifi…"

"I get the picture," Xavier winced. 

"Long story short I decided that I would be much happier as an entertainer than an emperor," Serpentor said. "Oh yes there are still the long tedious hours. And I still get frustrated, but I have never in all my previous incarnations been so happy or personally fulfilled. Well maybe the exception of Fifi during that trip to Cancun but you get the idea." 

"Serpentor we called you because we need your help," General Whithalf showed him the tablet. "Can you translate this for us?"

"Hmmm," Serpentor looked it over. "Yes this does seem familiar. I think I do remember this."

"Darling!" There was a knock at the stage door. "You're on in five minutes!"

"Be right there love!" Serpentor called out. "Oh I'm sorry. I'll have to do this after my performance. Why don't you all stay and see the show? I can get you front row seats!" He handed the tablet to Hawk. 

"Really we don't want to cause any trouble," Xavier tried to keep his voice even.

"Oh it's no trouble at all!" Serpentor waved. "Stephan make sure they have the best seats in the house!"

"Splendid!" Whithalf smiled. "I'd love to see the show!"

"You would," Xavier groaned under his breath. 

Soon they were seated at a table in a huge cabaret style room. Several people were also in the audience. "What benefit is this again?" Hawk looked around. 

"The National Committee of Cross Dressers of America," Xavier moaned. 

"Well I wanted to see the sights during this trip," Hank said. "This isn't however what I had in mind." 

"And now, the Copacabana Room proudly presents…SERPENTOR II!" The Announcer called out to a rousing chorus of cheers. Serpentor came out riding a huge litter carried by four muscular barely clad men. 

"Everyone must party! THIS I COMMAND!" He shouted. This was apparently his signature catch phrase because that was the audience's cute to holler and go wild. "Before I begin I'd like to say a special hello to some new friends of mine!" 

"Oh no…" Xavier felt himself blushing. "No…don't…" 

"Put your hands together for Professor Charles Xavier and Hank McCoy! This I command!" The spotlight fell on Xavier and Hank as the crowd cheered. 

"Hi there!" Hank waved happily.

"Hank…" Xavier pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes.

"Oh come on Charles we might as well get into the spirit of the place!" Hank grinned.

"You really are a ham aren't you?" Xavier groaned. 

_"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but diamonds are a girl's best friend!" _Serpentor sang. He danced around with his cast as he performed and even threw a feather boa at Xavier. 

_If there is a god in heaven…_Xavier thought to himself. _Get me out of this nightmare! _He looked over and saw Hank idly playing with the feather boa. _Before Hank goes completely out of his mind! _

That was when the sound of motorcycles sounded through the room. The Dreadnoks burst in through the stage. "THIS IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT!" Serpentor shouted as people fled the attack of the crazed bikers. 

Before anyone could stop him, Zartan zoomed his bike to the table and grabbed General Whithalf. "Come on gramps! We're going for a little ride!" He laughed as he and the Dreadnoks made their getaway. 

"I always thought those Dreadnoks were uncouth!" Serpentor stomped his foot. "And just when I was ready for my big number too!" 

"They've kidnapped General Whithalf!" Hawk shouted. "After them!" The Joes went off after them. 

"We've got to help!" Hank shouted.

"You're right! Stephan! Cancel my facial!" Serpentor shouted. "Get the Serpentmobile! We're going after them! Nobody kidnaps a member of **my** audience and gets away with it!" 

"Uh actually I think he meant…" Xavier started to say, but was interrupted by Serpentor grabbing his chair and taking off after them. 

"Oh goody!" Stephan clapped his hands. "This is so exciting! We're going on a chase!" 

"Oh god…" Xavier groaned. 

**As you can tell, I never liked Serpentor. Killing him off and then replacing him with a clone that was a cross dresser is my idea! (See Cobrathon 2: The Musical for all the details.) So where will our group end up? You tell me! Come on people I need a good chase scene! So it's up to you to send in those ideas! The faster you send in those reviews, the faster the next chapter will come up! **

Xavier: You are totally insane, you know that? 


	6. The Big Chase Scene

**The Big Chase Scene**

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" Serpentor shouted. "Go faster! This I command!" They sped through the streets in a gold and green limo with a serpent motif. 

"Did we just hit a mime?" Xavier flinched as something black and white flew across the hood. 

"Oh don't worry nobody likes them anyway," Serpentor waved. "There's the Dreadnoks!" They were right in front of them. 

"It's lucky we took that shortcut," Hank said. "And lucky Charles was able to hone in on their thought patterns."

"Not so lucky for that Chinese restaurant," Xavier moaned. "I still smell chicken chow main." 

"Where's GI Joe?" Hank asked.

"Up there!" Serpentor pointed to a chopper above them. "How dare those Dreadnoks attack a helpless old general."

"OW! OW! OW!" Zartan shouted. "STOP PULLING MY HAIR!" 

"UNHAND ME YOU SNAKE!" General Whithalf pounded on him. He bit him on the ear.

"YEOW! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? MIKE TYSON?" Zartan shouted. 

The motorcycles whizzed down a side street, the limo hot on its trail. Soon they ended up in a colorful crowd. "What's going on?" Xavier asked. 

"Oh look! A we're in a parade!" Serpentor started waving. "Hello people!"

"They can't see us sir," Stephan said.

"Well then put the top down! This I command!" Serpentor shouted. 

"Oh yeah let everybody have a good look at us," Hank rolled his eyes as the top went down. "Which parade is this anyway?"

"Judging by the costumes I'd say the fashion designers of the world," Stephan said. "Look this year's theme is Carnival in Rio!" 

"Oh goody!" Serpentor clapped his hands. "I love carnivals! Maybe I can get some beads!"

"We don't have time for this!" Xavier snapped. "There go the Dreadnoks! We have to get to them before General Whithalf is hurt!"

"STOP BITING ME DAMN IT!" Zartan shouted. "SOMEONE ELSE TAKE HIM! PLEASE!" 

"Why don't you just punch him out?" Buzzer shouted.

"I can't do that and drive at the same time stupid!" Zartan snapped. 

Nearby there was a charming outdoor café. Senator Kelly sighed as his waiter brought him something to eat. "Maybe a nice relaxing lunch will take my mind of the…off of things," He grumbled. 

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Zartan jumped over his table. The Dreadnoks zoomed by him. 

"What the…?" Kelly shouted. He barely got out of the way when the Serpentmobile drove up on the corner and crashed into his table. 

"Sorry!" Hank called out as they sped away. 

"YOU RUINED MY LUNCH!" Kelly shouted. He was covered in food. "I'LL GET YOU MUTANTS FOR THIS!" 

"We're not even driving the limo!" Xavier shouted back. "Oh he can't hear me…" 

"I think we hit another mime," Hank winced as another black and white object bounced off the car. 

"Oh well, at least the car isn't scratched," Serpentor said. "Oooh! Look over there! That's my favorite boutique! Maybe we should pop in and…" 

"THIS IS NO TIME TO GO SHOPPING!" Xavier shouted. 

"You're no fun anymore," Serpentor sniffed. "WATCH OUT FOR THAT MIME!" 

"How many mimes are there in this freaking town?" Hank groaned as another one fled for his life. 

"They're having a convention here in the park!" Serpentor pointed as they headed right for a huge platform. Hundreds of people clad in black and white ran from the vehicles. 

"So that's what a screaming mime sounds like," Stephan mused. 

"Where are the police when you need them?" Hank moaned. Then he heard sirens. "Oh wait they're right behind us!" 

"We've got them cornered!" Serpentor shouted with glee as the Dreadnoks ran out of space to escape. 

"Yeah at the Washington Memorial," Hank groaned. "So much for keeping a low profile!" 

**Next: Time for a big fight scene! Send in those requests! **


	7. A Showdown and A Throwdown

**A Showdown and a Throwdown**

"Oh great now we're trapped!" Zartan grumbled as they were cornered. "Dozens of cops on one side, the Joes on the other! YEOW! GENERAL KNOCK IT OFF!" He stopped the motorcycle and threw General Whithalf off. "Okay that's it!" He took out his pistol. "Say goodbye General Witless!" 

"OH YEAH!" Suddenly a high-heeled shoe flew out of nowhere and hit him on the hand, knocking the pistol out of it. 

"YOU!" Zartan looked at his attacker.

"Yeah me!" Serpentor stood there with his hands on his hips. "I will crush you were you stand! This I command!" 

"LET'S DO THIS THING!" General Whithalf shouted as he charged Zartan. "CHARGE!"

"Maybe they didn't need our help after all," Hank blinked as Serpentor and General Whithalf started beating the stuffing out of the Dreadnoks. 

"MERCY! MERCY!" Zartan shouted. 

The Dreadnoks screamed as well. "You'd think a few armed desperate men would put up more of a fight," Xavier blinked. "Uh Hawk shouldn't you and the Joes help them?" 

"OW!" 

"YEOWCH!" 

"MOMMY!" 

"Nah, let 'em have their fun," Hawk grinned. 

"Ooh that's gonna leave a mark," Hank winced. "I had no idea high heels could do that much damage!" 

"Ow…" Zartan and his Dreadnoks lay at their feet. 

"Oh darn it I broke a nail," Serpentor looked at his fingernails. "Now they're all uneven! I hate it when that happens!" 

Just then a huge chopper hovered over the pool. "That's a Cobra chopper!" Hawk shouted. Everyone scattered as the chopper lay down some cover fire. The Dreadnoks took this opportunity to rush to it.

"I don't know why I'm helping you fools, I really don't!" Cobra Commander hissed as he piloted the chopper and let down a ladder for the Dreadnoks to climb. 

"Because you know those Dreadnoks will sell you out for the right price!" Serpentor grabbed a nearby grenade launcher from Spirit and fired on the chopper. 

"AGGGHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed. "CAN'T YOU IDIOTS DO ANYTHING RIGHT? COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" 

"HA! FACE IT COBRA COMMANDER I'M MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!" Serpentor waved his fist at the retreating chopper.

"And coming from a guy in high heels and a dress that's saying something," Hank said. 

"How did I ever get involved in this?" Xavier groaned. "Could somebody tell me please?" 


	8. Can We Please Go Back To Our Lives?

**Can We Please Go Back To Our Lives?**

Eventually Xavier convinced Hawk and Whithalf to return with him back to the museum to explain things with Shaw. Shaw hobbled up to greet them. "Some stupid mime ran over my foot," Shaw grumbled. "Well Professor Xavier I believe our meeting about future donations will have to wait for now. I have to try to hobble to another appointment."

"Donations?" Hawk asked. "Aren't you already rich?"

"Yes but even the best funded private schools need outside investors," Hank said. "Especially with all the 'accidents' we seem to have when the Misfits show up." 

"I'm sorry we missed our appointment Mr. Shaw but as you can see we got sidetracked," Xavier sighed. 

"I believe it," Shaw said. "Whenever GI Joe is involved things happen. Don't worry, I still intend to contribute to your school." 

"Well now that that mess is sorted out," Hawk sighed. "Now we can get back to the business of the tablet Cobra wanted." He handed it to Serpentor who had come along as well. 

"I don't know why they even bothered with it," Serpentor sniffed. "It doesn't describe a power source at all. It's a summoning spell."

"Really?" Shaw raised an eyebrow. 

"Yes it shows how to call down something called a Phoenix Force from the heavens," Serpentor pointed out. "But the translation's not even complete. A big chunk of it is broken off. It was a wild goose chase really."

"Well then I guess there's no harm in returning it to the museum," Shaw said. "Or better yet, I know a private vault that stores artifacts for safekeeping. If you'll let me I can arrange it to be transported there."

"I don't know," Hawk looked at Shaw. 

"I think that would be an excellent idea Hawk," Xavier said. 

"Well if Professor X says it would be a good idea I don't see any reason why not," Whithalf shrugged. They handed the tablet over to Shaw. 

"Don't worry gentlemen," Shaw told them. "This tablet is in safe hands." 

As they left the museum Hank asked Hawk. "Why didn't you want Shaw to take the tablet? Do you know something?" 

"No it was just a gut feeling," Hawk told Hank. "There's something…Never mind. It's not important. The important thing is that Cobra was thwarted again." 

"Yes well," Xavier looked at his watch. "It's getting late. As it is we've already missed several meetings and a conference on genetics. If we hurry we will be just in time for Hank's television appearance." 

"Don't worry," Whithalf grinned. "We'll get you an escort to make sure you get there on time!" 

However Xavier soon wished they hadn't. 


	9. This Night Just Keeps Getting Better

**This Night Just Keeps Getting Better**

Just before the program began Hank was getting ready in the dressing room. "Do you think this suit brings out the color of my eyes?" He asked playfully. 

"Hank I know you're nervous but please try to remember you're here to make an impression on the viewing public," Xavier said.

"Relax Charles, it will be fine," Hank said brushing his hair. "We got here in plenty of time didn't we?" 

"Yes the military escort was helpful," Xavier sighed. "I just wish Serpentor didn't insist on driving us in his car all the way."

"Well you can't say that we don't know how to make an entrance," Hank shrugged. 

"I'll go out into the audience," Xavier said. "Remember Hank I'm counting on you."

"Don't worry Charles," Hank reassured him. "I will be the perfect model of dignity and self restraint."

Xavier wheeled away. Hank whistled as he brushed himself. "You can groom yourself all you like you ape," Kelly walked by. "You'll never hide what you really are."

"At least I have hair Kelly," Hank said. "And I was about to say the same for you."

"Joke while you can McCoy," Kelly snarled. "It will only be a matter of time before the Mutant Registration Act is passed and all of you freaks will be behind bars. Starting with your X-Men!"

"I can understand why you have a slight prejudice against the X-Men," Hank folded his arms. "But to punish all mutants for a few misunderstandings…"

"MISUNDERSTANDINGS! YOU MONSTERS NEARLY KILLED ME NOT ONCE BUT SEVERAL TIMES!" Kelly shouted. "Everywhere you go you ruin buildings and lives. The sooner we start locking away the lot of you the better off we'll all be. People need to be protected from creatures like you and I'm just the man to do it." He stormed away. 

Hank's eyes narrowed. "Okay that's it. One way or another Kelly is going down!" 

************************************************************************

"JUST HOW DO YOU CALL MOONING SENATOR KELLY ON NATIONAL TELEVISON AN ACT OF DIGNITY AND RESTRAINT?" Xavier shouted after the show's taping. 

"Hey it was either that or punch that jerk in the nose," Hank told him as they left the building. "You heard what the manager said, highest ratings in years. They want me back to debate the head of he Republican Party next show."

"Oh no you don't!" Xavier snapped. "Next time I am going to have Ororo do the talking. At least with her I know things won't get out of hand." 

That was when his cell phone rang. "Hello," Xavier answered this. "Who is this? Oh hello…I …Problem what problem? Ororo what's going on?" Xavier's eyes widened as he listened. "YOU'RE WHERE? IN JAIL?" 

**Coming up: The conclusion of this Weekend from Hell. How it all ends. **


	10. Let's Pretend This Weekend Never Happend

**And now the conclusion of this crazy series. Hooray! A huge thank you to everyone who contributed ideas! **

**Let's Pretend This Weekend Never Happened**

"Of all the irresponsible, insane…" Xavier muttered as the X-Men finally arrived back at the mansion.

"Professor it wasn't our fault," Kurt protested. "It was the fault of those Misfits and GI Joe."

"Who do you think I was talking about?" Xavier asked. He saw a very haggard Scott and Jean. "Well we're back. How was your weekend?"

"I never…ever want to have any children," Jean growled.

"Or pets," Scott snapped. "Especially pets!" 

"Oh yeah, pets are bad," Jean's eye was starting to twitch. "Very bad…"

"Especially PARROTS!" Scott shouted.

"I HATE PARROTS!" Jean screamed. 

"ME TOO!" Scott shouted.

"O-kay," Hank gulped. "I take it the Triplets weren't on their best behavior?"

"That is the understatement of the century!" Scott snapped. He then glared at Kitty. "And your stupid dragon wasn't much better either!" 

"Don't call Lockheed stupid!" Kitty shouted.

"Oh yes we will!" Jean got into Kitty's face. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

"You want a black eye or something?" Kitty made a fist. "Because I am in the mood for a good fight!"

"Oh bring it on!" Jean snapped. "Compared to Trinity you're a cream puff!"

"Oh yeah well the Misfits weren't exactly easy to get along with either!" Rogue stood between the two of them. 

"You're right Rogue," Jean sighed. "I'm sorry Kitty. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Yeah the Misfits are the enemy not us," Kitty sighed.

"Yeah Misfits bad, Kitty good…" Jean muttered. 

"Let's kill 'em," Kitty growled.

"Good idea!" Jean said. "Forge! Make us some lasers!" 

"We are not going to kill the Misfits!" Xavier groaned.

"Why not?" Rogue asked. "After what they did to us this weekend?"

"Trust me, Rogue compared to what Trinity, the babies and that…**_bird _**did to us," Jean twitched again at the thought of Polly. "You guys got off easy!"

"Wanna bet?" Tabitha snapped. "I say we kill them all!"

"Fry 'em!" Ray shouted. 

"Hang 'em!" Amara shouted.

"Hit 'em with a rock!" Bobby shouted. Everyone looked at him. "Well a really big rock." 

"Nobody is going to kill anybody!" Logan snapped.

"Except for Shipwreck," Ororo said.

"Not even Shipwreck!" Logan said.

"Fine we'll kill you and Jinx for ditching us and letting us get dragged to jail!" Ororo snapped. Now she had a twitch in her eye.

"Then again Shipwreck was really asking for it…" Logan gulped.

"Nobody is going to kill anybody!" Xavier shouted, exasperated. "Let's all just get an early night's sleep shall we?" 

"Wait a minute…" Scott sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" 

"Iceman take a shower will you?" Xavier groaned. 

The next morning, Scott, Jean, Ororo and Hank were in Xavier's office. "And on top of it all I just got a bill and a summons to appear in court courtesy of the Department of Natural Parks of New York," Xavier continued. 

"We got a lawsuit from the Parks department?" Scott asked. "What for?"

"Let's just say we're being held responsible for a couple of fires that broke out," Ororo groaned. 

"Fires?" Jean asked.

"You don't want to know," Xavier sighed. "This whole weekend has produced nothing but even more problems for us." 

"You're telling me," Ororo sighed. "Oh look a restraining order from Senator Kelly's office." 

"Okay why do I have this letter from the Mayor's office?" Xavier asked. "What's this lawsuit about entrapment?"

"Trinity," Jean groaned. "They went clubbing with the Mayor. He thought they were older than they looked thanks to some extra holographic bracelets. Then they got drunk and their powers went out of control and…" 

"Never mind I'm sorry I asked," Xavier groaned.

"What's this lawsuit from?" Scott looked at the heading. "The National Association of Mimes? What did we do to tick them off?" 

"Don't ask," Hank sighed.

"And what are all these telegrams about?" Jean asked. "Something about a television appearance?"

"Yeah Toad and Wavedancer mentioned something about that," Scott said. "Were you guys on TV?"

"Yes," Xavier started to rub his head. "Unfortunately." 

"You didn't see it?" Hank asked.

"Trinity kind of kept us busy remember?" Scott told him. "Are all of these lawsuits?"

"No some of these are death threats," Hank sighed as he fingered through the letters. "Death threat, death threat…Bill from the hotel…Bill for damages from a bar in Bayville?"

"Polly," Scott told him. 

"O-kay," Hank casually went back to the letters. "Oh it looks like we picked up one supporter after all. The NCCDA…They loved us at the convention."

"What's the…?" Scott started to ask.

"Never mind!" Xavier snapped. "Just forget about it."

"I've never heard of that organization," Scott said.

"Hopefully you never will again," Xavier groaned. "And neither will the rest of us." 

"What does this one mean?" Ororo read the telegram. "Thanks for putting that wuss in his place! Knew we could count on your support…Charlton Heston?" 

"Okay that's it," Xavier sighed. He used his telepathy to speak to the students as well as the people in the room. "All students now hear this! There will be a general amnesty on anything and everything that has happened this weekend. Not counting the lawsuits, as far as we are concerned this weekend **never happened**! If anyone asks, we all spent the entire weekend sleeping late and watching TV! And the next time we see the Misfits and or GI Joe you have my complete permission to kick their butts for all the stupid things they did to us! That is all. Now somebody please get me some aspirin?" 


End file.
